It's days like this when I almost want to go Stephen Colbert on an article and pretend to support something absolutely ridiculous and make an equally ridiculous extremist case for my alleged view. To be entirely frank, I could do it with both sides in this case. I am speaking, of course, of the Indiana law which, amongst other things, has brought back the unfortunate saying that historically never was "Let them eat cake". The gays, of course. Because people are trying to keep the gays from eating cake? Well, not exactly. Because the gays are trying to turn bakers gay? No, not that either. The problem? We have businesses that want to act like 6 year olds and unfortunately, the gays are 5 1/2.
I like to watch detective shows when I'm not driving (preferably) and my favorite are the reality ones. I've seen countless episodes of people trying to hire a hitman and it not working out so well for them. Thus, I know that if you want to hire someone to kill someone else, and you mention it to a friend, they will always refer you to "a guy they know". This guy will have a thick beard and a bad mullet. He will arrange a meet up in a low budget motel room. He will ask you a bunch of questions about how you want the job done like "You want it to look like an accident, right"? He will then take half the money up front right before the rest of the cops bust in from the other room and arrest you. This is not a good way to hire a hitman.
But what is a good way to hire a hitman? I decided to investigate, and I have developed a fool proof way for you to have your enemy "offed" without any legal repercussions for yourself. Now, people will know you did it, and will say a bunch of bad stuff about you, but you get rid of your problem and you walk. Cool?
I should point out that I have not personally tried this method, but I have done plenty of research on liberal blogs, and it is foolproof. It will only, however, work in the United States. Also, to protect the innocent I will use myself as the example victim for the sake of this period of instruction. That means that by the time you read this, I will likely be dead, but know that I died passing along some great knowledge. Okay, ready to whack someone? Let's go.
Step 1: Get A Map
Any old map of the United States will do. For the sake of this example hit, we will use this one.
Step 2: Get A Picture
For this step you will need a picture of your intended victim. The picture should be a current one that looks as they look now. Don't use an old yearbook photo or anything. If you don't have a picture of them, get it off their facebook. If they don't have a facebook, you're retarded for wasting your time killing someone that anonymous. For the sake of our example hit, we will use this picture of me.
Step 3: Get A Site.
You will need a picture of a gun site. This should be a transparent gif or png. For our hit, we will use this one.
Step 4: Line 'Em Up
Now you will need a simple image editor that will allow you to layer images on top of each other. In this step, you will take the picture of your victim and place it on the State that he or she resides in. In my case, that would be Indiana, so our new map will look like this.
Step 5: Ready, Aim.
Now, you will need to take your gun site and place it over the image of the victim. Make sure that you alter the image enough so that their face is visible through the site so that the local nut cases will be able to see who they need to kill. The finished product should look like so.
Step 6: Post
For the final step, simply post the graphic to the internet. It doesn't much matter where, but it should be in a place where people can see it. I might suggest your personal blog or website, because it is likely you will have more supporters there. Your facebook or myspace should work nicely as well.
That is it, folks. Now, all we have to do is sit back and wait. In a very short time, some psychopath will come make the hit for you, and free of charge at that. Of course, in this case, I used myself, so I should probably say a nice goodbye before I post this. I know that many of you are thinking "Don't do it, Steve" but I have to. You know why? Because I am a people person. And the way I see it, if this post can save just one person from having to put up with a real bastard, than it is all worth while. So long, internet friends. It's been fun. I'm hitting the post button now.