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Judging A Book By Its Cover

Book Reviews

Green Jobs And Spam

Rather than running with our typical Judging A Book By Its Cover format, I decided to make this weeks entry a bit of a parody. It is based on Dr. Seuss's book Green Eggs And Ham. I decided to twist that into Green Jobs and Spam as a tribute to Van Jones, President Obama's wacky 9/11 Truther Communist buddy.

Green Eggs And Ham

I am Van
I am Van
Van I am
That Van-I-am
That Van-I-am!

I do not like that Van-I-am
Do you like green jobs and spam?
I do not like them, Van-I-am.
I do not like green jobs and spam.

Would you like a Hybrid Car?
I would not like a hybrid car.
I would not drive it near or far.
I do not like green jobs and spam.
I do not like them, Van-I-am

Would you like a solar house house?
Would you live there with a mouse?

I would not like a solar house.
I would not live there with a mouse.
I would not like a hybrid car,
I would not drive it near or far.
I do not like green jobs and spam.
I do not like them, Van-I-am.

Would you recycle a box?
Would you wear recycled socks?

Don't want a box.
Or fancy socks.
A solar house
with a pet mouse.
I would not drive a hybrid car.
I would not drive it near or far.
I do not like green jobs and spam.
I do not like them, Van-I-am.

Would you in an suv?
Work Here! Work There! Work for me?

I would not , in an suv.
I don't want to work for thee.

You may like it.
You will see.
You may want to hug a tree.

 

I would not, could not hug a tree.
I would not ever work for thee.
I would not recycle a box.
I would not wear recycled socks
I do not want a solar house
I would not live there with a mouse
I would not drive a hybrid car.
I would not drive it near or far.
I do not like green jobs and spam.
I do not like them, Van-I-am.

A train! A train!
A train! A train!
Could you conduct a high speed train?

 

Not on a train! Not in a tree!
Not in a car! Van! Let me be!
I would not recycle a box.
I could not wear recycled socks.
I will not share space with a mouse
Inside your stupid solar house.
I will not drive a hybrid car.
I will not drive it near or far.
I will not even if I can.
I will not do it, Van-I-am.

Say!
Trade the mouse
For the White House!
Would you, could you, be my czar?

I would not, could not, be your czar.

Would you, could you, in the rain?

I would not, could not, in the rain.
Won't be your czar, Won't run your train.
No hybrid cars, no hugging trees.
I do not like them, Van, you see.
No solar house, recycled box.
Not with a mouse, or any socks.
I will not drive a hybrid car. I will not drive it near or far!

You do not like green jobs and spam?

I do not like them, Van-I-am.

Could you, would you, for a raise?

I would not, could not for a raise!

Would you, could you, if it pays?

I could not, would not, for a raise.
I won't no matter what it pays.
I will not work there in the rain.
I will not run your stupid train.
Not as a czar! No hugging trees!
Not even for your suv's!
I will not recycle your box.
I will not wear recycled socks.
I do not want a solar house.
I will not share it with a mouse.
I will not drive a hybrid car.
I will not drive it near or far!
I do not like green jobs and spam!
I do not like them, Van-I-am.

You do not like them.
SO you say.
Try them! Try them! And you may.
Wash them down with this kool aid.

Van!
If you will let me be,
I will try them. You will see.

Say!
I like green jobs and spam!
I do!! I like them, Van-I-am!
I will work there for a raise!
Or just some more of that kool aid.
I'll be your czar, stand in the rain.
I'll hug a tree, I'll work for thee.
And in the dark I'll run your train.
I'll never drive the suv.
This kool aid is so good, alas!
Can I have another glass?
I will recycle every box.
I'll do it in recycled socks.
I'll move into my solar house.
And gladly share it with a mouse.
And I will drive a hybrid car.
I will drive it near and far!
I do so like green jobs and spam!

Thank you!
Thank you, Vam-I-am

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Girls Of Summer; Judging A Book By Its Cover

Girls Of Summer

Author: Lois Browne

Girls Of Summer

This book is a story about the aftermath of the 2009 World Series.  Following the Evil Empire (New York Yankees) defeating the Philadelphia Phillies, the game of baseball faced one of it's biggest crises yet. Not having learned from the movie "A League Of Their Own", crying began to take a firm hold on the game. Grown men everywhere traded in their overalls and work boots for skirts and high heels as they cried out "It's not fair!" and "The Yankees are to good".

For awhile there it seemed that we were doomed as men like former baseball players Bill Ripken and Rob Dibble morphed into their alter egos Bill Bitchken and Rob Dribble. Armed with emotion and their ever handy fact shield to  protect them from the onslaught of even the slightest dose of common sense, they bravely fought off the facts as they tried to use emotion to forever change our beloved game. 

Just when it seemed there was no hope, a hero rose up out of this wasteland of stupidity to save the game. The MLBPA said "Salary cap? No way!" They used the latest in technology, a death ray called "Collective Bargaining Agreements" to fight off the evil Girls of Summer. Ironically, this was the first time this weapon had ever been used in a productive manner. 

Now, rest easy. Bill Bitchken and Rob Dribble were not killed in the battle. They instead were knocked out of their moronic stupor and went back to dressing and acting like men and analyzing baseball.  They later considered apologizing for their actions, but decided against it as it might make them seem weak.

 

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The Tortilla Factory; Judging A Book By Its Cover

The Tortilla Factory

By Gary Paulsen

The Tortilla Factory

To understand the book, you must understand some code words. We went to the U.S. Forrest Service for some insight on the lingo of the book, and they supplied us with the following list of terms.

  1. Tortilla. A Mexican term for  a marijuana plant.
  2. Tortilla Factory. A Mexican term for a United States National Park.
  3. Tecate Beer. A Mexican name for Tecate Beer.
  4. Spanish Music. A term used to describe when a Mexican yells out "Hey homes, the cops are coming".
  5. Mexican. Drug dealer.

 


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Operation Vulture; Judging A Book By Its Cover

Operation Vulture

By John Prados

Operation Vulture

Operation Vulture is the code word for the security detail that protects Helen Thomas, a reporter (ironically enough) for Hearst Newspaper Columnists. Helen is a member of the White House Press Corps, and has covered every President. Prior to that, she served as a court scribe for Henry VIII. 

Keeping the old bat safe from all of the threats to her well being is much harder than one might expect, and that is why the vultures are always circiling, waiting for one foul step to swoop in and snag her before her weakened bones can hit the ground. 

Helen Thomas has been known for being tough on Presidents. She once told an autograph seeker during the Bush Administration that she was "sad because she was covering the worst President in American history (that part is true) and I should know, I've covered all of them". Her attacks on the Bush Administration once prompted Tony Snow to reply to one of her rants with the comment "Thank you for the Hezbollah view".

Helen has been protected by Operation Vulture ever since she slipped and broke a hip in George Washington's canoe when he was crossing the Potomac.  Since then, they have saved her life over half a dozen times, including when she almost fell out of the balcony of the movie theater when Lincoln was assassinated. They have also saved her from identity theft since her social security number is widely known. It is 000-00-0004. (Cain killed Able before they started issuing the document.)

In all seriousness, when speaking of Helen Thomas, it is easy to be mean, rude, crude, and nasty. Yet it is important to remember that she could be someone's grandmother (heck, for that matter she could be some granmother's granmother), although I haven't attempted to verify that claim because the thought of that woman breeding is beyond the limits of torture I am able to endure.

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Spaghetti In A Hot Dog Bun; Judging A Book By Its Cover

Spaghetti In A Hot Dog Bun

By Maria Dismondy

The Axis of Stevil Store

Everything was looking great for a nice summer picnic with Barack Obama and his friends, the Iranian Diplomats. The whether was beautiful, the smell of fresh cut grass in the air, the promise of beautiful fireworks at sunset. Everyone was so excited that they couldn't wait for the wonderful day of the picnic to get there. Barack promised to bring the hot dogs, and asked his Iranian friends if they would bring the buns. They agreed, and the cookout was on!

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