It's days like this when I almost want to go Stephen Colbert on an article and pretend to support something absolutely ridiculous and make an equally ridiculous extremist case for my alleged view. To be entirely frank, I could do it with both sides in this case. I am speaking, of course, of the Indiana law which, amongst other things, has brought back the unfortunate saying that historically never was "Let them eat cake". The gays, of course. Because people are trying to keep the gays from eating cake? Well, not exactly. Because the gays are trying to turn bakers gay? No, not that either. The problem? We have businesses that want to act like 6 year olds and unfortunately, the gays are 5 1/2.
As many of you may have noticed, there have been some major changes here at The Axis of Stevil Show (dot) Com. Perhaps the most noticeable is the fact that it is working. No long delays waiting for the server, no pages loading completely blank, no modules loading with every window open making the page a mile and a half long. I had been planning on making the change that fixed it in February when my GoDaddy hosting ran out. Yesterday, however, I lost all of my patience, and made the jump. I should have done it months ago when GoDaddy was hacked resulting in the crash of many Joomla sites across the web.
At that time I was informed that my site was not affected by the hacking. It was something completely unrelated to the intrusion that caused my site to begin acting the exact same way as the ones that were affected at the exact same time that they did. I was enraged and went off on the poor customer service guy. I now sheepishly realize that he was right, so I decided to apologize in the most public of ways in the most public of place, an open letter on the World Wide interWebs.
A few months back I found myself in a heated argument with somebody representing your fine organization. I was rather rude and used a few choice words because the explanation that your representative gave me was entirely unfathomable. All of the evidence presented at the time seemed to show that I was right, and he was wrong.
Yesterday, while performing the daunting task of moving my website to a new server with another company, I realized that it was indeed the other way around. You, sirs, were entirely right and I was positively wrong.
I thought that the fact that my site was acting exactly like all of the other sites on your servers that were hacked at the same time that they were made it quite obvious that my site was indeed harmed by your negligence. My feelings were later confirmed as I went through every file on my site stripping bits of malicious code that carried the same signature that other victims of the hackers had claimed that they had found. This made you an all too easy target.
However, when I had some difficulty uploading my database to the new server, I had to get some support from the new hosting company, and that is when I found my error that was the true cause of the problems that I was experiencing with my website.
Upon looking back, I should have noticed it at the time, but I did not. It is now as plain on the nose on my face that your slow customer service, your constant denials of ever being wrong, and your servers that load at a speed that reminds me of a romantic night out for a couple of turtles, would have never affected me in a negative way if I would have just done the right thing when my problems started with your company and left then.
But no, for the last year I have constantly re-built databases, crunched css files, removed plugins, modules, and components, all in an effort to find some way to make my site run on your server. You would think that after a few months, I would have seen the futility of my efforts, but I plugged away at it, all the time blaming you. For this I am sorry. I hate to be wrong, but when I am I am willing to admit it.
I sincerely apologize for keeping my site on your hosting service for the last year. I apologize for all the times you had to pretend to listen to me while you were doing whatever it is you do when customers call in frustrated. I hope that we can still be friends. Maybe I could call in some night and we could chat and share a good laugh at some other idiot who thinks there is some way he can make a site run quicker than dial up on your servers. Either way, know that I have learned from my mistake and am now a better man for it.
That Axis of Stevil Guy
p.s. I don't know if you guys ever under any circumstance refund the remaining money for an unused hosting service, but in my case, feel free to keep it since it was clearly my fault.
Wow, mom was right. I feel so much better now. That's the last time I pick a hosting company based on which one has the women with the least clothes in their commercials. I mean, seriously. What is this world coming to when you can't even trust a half naked blond who is trying to get you to buy nerd stuff?