Perhaps Gay Troops Time Has Come

Written by Administrator on 01 February 2010.

During his State Of The Union Address, President Obama expressed his desire to end "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". This immediately caused both sides to circle their wagons. Time to dig the trenches for the next fight. On the left, many claim that military service is a civil right. Were that true, however, the Military would have to allow all Americans who volunteered to serve. Wheelchair ramp in a foxhole, anyone? Many on the right say now is not the time to debate the issue. I, however, found this news story and I believe I may have found a solution to the problem.

That's what a new unclassified study of Pashtun men reveals. These men "admire other men physically, have sexual relationships with boys and shun women both socially and sexually — yet they completely reject the label of 'homosexual.' The research was conducted as part of a longstanding effort to better understand Afghan culture and improve Western interaction with the local people. The research unit, which was attached to a Marine battalion in southern Afghanistan, acknowledged that the behavior of some Afghan men has left Western forces 'frequently confused.' The report details the bizarre interactions a U.S. Army medic and her colleagues had with Afghan men in the southern province of Kandahar. In one instance, a group of local male interpreters had contracted gonorrhea anally but refused to believe they could have contracted it sexually — 'because they were not homosexuals.' Apparently, according to the report, Pashtun men interpret the Islamic prohibition on homosexuality to mean they cannot 'love' another man — but that doesn't mean they can't use men for 'sexual gratification.' … The U.S. army medic also told members of the research unit that she and her colleagues had to explain to a local man how to get his wife pregnant. The report said: 'When it was explained to him what was necessary, he reacted with disgust and asked, 'How could one feel desire to be with a woman, who God has made unclean, when one could be with a man, who is clean? Surely this must be wrong.'"

Now, as you are probably aware, every time our troops have to enter a new and unfamiliar environment, we look for those who understand the traditions, customs, and languages of the locals. Their services can prove invaluable at making inroads and winning alliances with the local civilians. They are used as translators and interpreters.  Often they can help profile the enemy and help to guess their moves based on their knowledge of the enemies way of life. And who, I ask, would be better to make some inroads (no pun intended) with these men than American Homosexuals. 

Here is the plan. Remember, Don't Ask Don't Tell was an incremental step. What we need is another one. This will garner the support of some Republicans, and open the door for the first round of openly gay service members.

1. We repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". This will return the military to its original state of denying gay applicants.
2. We pass a new law allowing for the creation of a new Special Force that will allow homosexuals to enlist. Of course, the bill needs to be named after a famous homosexual. I would like to suggest "The Barney Frank No Queer Left Behind Act of 2010".
3. The new law will establish one Special Force in each branch of the Military that will allow only homosexual Americans to enlist. For the Army, we could have The Pink Berets. The Marines would get The Rump Rangers. The Air Force would have The Fly Boys, and the Navy Squeals would finish out the group.
4. This group would operate under their respective branch's rules and regs, however they would have their own rank structure and award systems.  Instead of Purple Hearts, they would award Purple Hardons. Privates would be replaced by... well, on second thought, maybe they keep that one.
5. The group, of course, will need a "Big Tent" kind of leader. One who understands the Military and can also reach out across traditionally closed lines to these new gay troops. I would like to recommend former Army General Colin Powell to be the first Commanding Genital of our new Gay Special Forces. 

Now, armed with our new Special Forces of gay troops, we will be set to infiltrate the Afghanistan forces, and make inroads with the civilian population. There is, of course, just one thing left to do. Every good operation needs a good name. Yea, I feel a top ten list coming on.

Potential names for our new Special Operations in Afghanistan. 

1. Hogan's Queero's.
2. Shaving Ryan's Privates. 
3. Operation Rainbow Stool Push.
4. Ambush From The Rear.
5. Operation Homo Drop.
6. Osama Bin Limpin.
7. Operation Back Door.
8. The Battle Of The Other Bulge.
9. Operation FudgePakerStan.
10. VD Day.

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