(Our own crazy story to tell) A LETTER TO THE AXISI’m excited about receiving this letter. It is the first known of its kind and it arrived here at the Axis of Stevil Show’s information hub early this morning. It has not been authenticated yet. Therefore, I must say as a disclaimer that this letter could be completely bogus. I admit it’s an interesting look into the lives of the family that we never hear about. It is not my intention to judge, but maybe after I share the letter addressed to The Axis of Stevil Show. Perhaps we can get an idea of why there is no mention of these family members.
Dear, AXISES of Steve,
I have been told that you can get my letter to my couson Barrack. I herd that I could hear yer show on a MP3 player but I only haves the MP1.5 I know that the IZOD’s are back in stile again but my IZOD is old and the alligettar on my shirt doesn’t make noise. I hope you will PLEAZE HELP ME! The Pinselfvania Avenue Address over yonder in Washington DC does not work. My letters come back “RETURN TO SENDER” but I am the sender! And I don’t won’t it back. I think they must be confused. So I come to you for help. Thank you real much in advancement for your help. Sinsurly, Erma Jean.
Now before I continue into the letter, that she is asking the Axis of Stevil Show to pass on. I thought it was only fair that the Host was asked if he wanted the contents of this unauthenticated letter read or published on his show. He was unavailable for comment so as his co-host I have decided to proceed. Once the letter has been thoroughly fact checked and investigated, I will come back and issue an apology or confirm its authenticity (if necessary) and if not this is going to be a yet another Axis Exclusive.
Dear Couson Barrack,
I hope my letter finds you in good healthcare. We never hear from you except for what the news says. I was inspired by some of them things you said about being Noble and the Prize you won for running for President. We was all real proud of you. I wanted you to be the first one in the family to know about my big decision. I decided I am taking your advise that not everybody can be ball rollers. I’m givin up my life long dream of being a professional lawn mower racer. In the last 3 major races Manwell Labor has beat me. He’s real talented because he does practice all week. He just brought his family over and everything. I know you understand better than anybody on account of how you changed your mind about them towelbands in Alfgainastand and the Russans, China and of course those Irunaians and everything. Manwell Labor said he wouldnt talk to me so I followed your examples and backed off real quick. I do have good news. The amature skydivers team I joined 3 years ago has started back up again. Last year we had made it to the final round when one of our members named Jim had his parashoot fail. Sadly he didn’t have insurance. It upset me because I know that if had insurance instead of duct tape covering the hole in his parashoot he would’ve survived. Jim will be missed but between me and you. Jim was kind of slow and a little bit lazy. The good news about that is that our couson Bertha decided that she wants to replace JIM! She only weighs 280 pounds now. Can you believe that she lost 100 pounds on the new Obamonomics diet? We are hoping that the excess skin she has from all that weight loss will act like floppy wings. You know like them flying squirrels you hear about on the Discovery channel. Then she’ll have a softer landing. Plus she has insurance so we all agreed that she would be just fine. I’m real happy about everything and I hope it works out. Before I go I wanted to tell you that Great Aunt Gertie had her 92nd birthday. She was doing real good at the party until they brought out a big cake and a black man jumped out. It startled her so bad that she had put her oxygen mask on. I hope that doesn’t make her a racist now. I think she would have been just as startled if it had been a white man but I guess now we will never know. I hope to hear back from you soon. I know you have been real busy but I thought you should know that everybody here at the compound misses you. Well everybody but Jaccob who claims you are still runaway property. You know how those kinds of people are. Travel safe and remember only take the candy that the stranger licks first.
Lots of affection, your 2nd couson removed,ERMA JEAN