It's Over. Michelle Obama's Twinkie Tour Victory

It seems like forever ago. We are a long political election season and a re-election for President Obama removed from when I first noted that the Twinkie was under attack by the First Lady, but nearly 3 years later Michelle Obama can declare victory over the American icon. Today, Hostess Brands announced that they will shut down all operations and sell their assets. They were unable to reach an agreement with the Bakers Union which was on strike, so officially, the parasite has consumed the host. Yes, I'm being a bit facesious blaming this on the First Lady but then again, aren't these her people and didn't I call this?

Once I got my jaw picked up off of the floor, I decided to give a listen to what she had to say. I have previously mocked her obesity initiative on the show by calling it a "Twinkie Tour" but I figured, what the heck, let's give it a fair shot. Guess what? Yea, it's even worse than I thought.

Now if this was just a matter of losing Twinkies forever, I could not possibly care less. I know, a lot of you will miss them, but I won't. I never liked them much anyway, because they are way to sweet. However, a few years ago Hostess bought out a company called "Drake's" which supplies the Northeast with a lineup of snack cakes including "Funny Bones" which was my personal favorite. It appears that I may have eaten my last one. So now, it is indeed personal.

So what do I do from here? I have a very mature and detailed 2 step plan. Step 1. I tell you how much I absolutely hate you liberals. You disgust me. The sight of you sickens me worse than an all night Twinkie binge. I can smell you when I walk into a room because you have the stench of government dependency and other people's money. If I saw you choking on the last Twinkie, I would turn my back on you and ask you to perform the Hiney Lick maneuver on me. That's right, liberals. You can go fork yourselves. And you can take your Twinkie Nazi First Lady with you.

There! Now that I got that out of the way, it is time for step two. This is where I bend over and take it up the rear end. Why? Because there is positively nothing I can do about it. With a President that is so clueless about the economy, it's not like there is a real recovery anywhere in sight so even businesses that might actually have the capital are not likely to sink it into Hostess. And even if the did, I'm sure that the labor union would find a way to get back in there and kill the company again. So I wave the white flag. It's over. Farewell, Funny Bones. Quoth the trucker, "Nevermore."

I do see this as an appropriate time to ask a question though. Is this what you wanted, Obama voter? Is this what you had in mind? As restaurants around the Country start making full time employees part time workers to avoid Obamacare fines, did you factor that into the equation when you voted for him? As small businesses layoff workers to get under the mandated employee limits, was that part of your dream?

Man, did it feel good on election night, huh? Seriously, and I'm addressing you here Obama voter, it felt good right? How have the last four years felt? Now let's be honest. It's hard to keep that level of intensity day in and day out. I get that. But there is a reason why you will never feel as good about the job President Obama is doing as you felt about voting for him. Because the road to liberal utopia is  the road to hell, and it is paved with good intentions. Everyone will have health care, but nobody will have jobs. Everyone will have electric cars, but nobody will have a house to plug it in to. Everyone will have food, but nobody will want to eat it. And one day, when none of us have anything worth fighting for anymore, you will have peace on earth and the Liberals will ask for a thank you. But as for today, it is one small step for liberals, and one giant boot on the throat of capitalism. Rest in peace, Funny Bones. You will be missed.