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I Said A HAPPY Meal!

Michelle Obama Hates KidsScore another victory for Michelle Obama and her roving band of food Nazis. Today, McDonald's announced that the "Happy Meal" will be getting a makeover. For the past couple of years, children have had the option of choosing between hot tasty french fries, or cold bland apple slices. It make shock you to find out that 89% of children chose the hot tasty french fries, but according to McDonald's, only 11% opted for the healthier apples. Now typically, in a world where free market capitalists are left to do what the market tells them, I would be typing an article to inform the 11% of children out there not to worry, as McDonald's was getting rid of the apples and their parents could never force them to eat the wretched things again. However, in the quasi-capitalist system we now live under, I am here to inform the 89% of kids that, like it or not, you're going to get apples with your happy meal. Here's how McDonald's tried to drown out the crying children with some positive spin.


New Happy Meal: McDonald's will begin rolling out the new Happy Meal in September 2011, with the goal of having them available in all 14,000 restaurants during Q1 2012. The new Happy Meal will automatically include both produce (apple slices, a quarter cup or half serving) and a new smaller size French fries (1.1 ounces) along with the choice of a Hamburger, Cheeseburger or Chicken McNuggets, and choice of beverage, including new fat-free chocolate milk and 1% low fat white milk. For those customers who prefer a side choice of apples only, two bags of apple slices will be available, upon request.

Seriously? In the event that I am one of the 11% who wants apples, I can get all apples, but if I am one of the 89% who doesn't want apples I still get hosed out of half of my fries? What the article doesn't say is when the meal will be re-named to the "Crappy Meal", or when McDonald's will change their slogan to "We love to see kids cry". Michelle Obama, of course, wasted no time issuing the following statement.

“McDonald’s is making continued progress today by providing more fruit and reducing the calories in its Happy Meals. I’ve always said that everyone has a role to play in making America healthier, and these are positive steps toward the goal of solving the problem of childhood obesity.”

Yes, it takes a village of imbeciles to effectively screw up childhood. I'm not sure why the First Lady hates children so much, but this is a huge victory for her. Oh, was that crossing the line? It was, after all, her husband who referred to the potential of becoming a grandfather as being "punished with a baby". Well, when life punishes you with babies, punish them back. Up until now she has only been able to screw up kid's school lunch. I'm sure it literally drove her nuts to see children enjoying their french fries as she sat down to her 1,700 calorie meal consisting of a burger, french fries, chocolate shake, and diet coke (are you kidding me) at the shake shack a few weeks ago. Now, she won't have to worry about seeing happy children at McDonald's ever again.

Now don't get me wrong here, I don't want to bust the First Lady's chops over here, but give me a break. It wasn't my idea for her to go on this twinkie tour kicking the cupcakes out of fat kids backpacks. But as long as you're saying, shouldn't you be doing Lady O? This statement is a bit hypocritical when she chokes it out over the bacon double cheeseburger she was grazing on. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

As for now, there is nothing to be done about this corporate cave by McDonald's, and frankly I don't blame them. It's a preemptive move to avoid the writing on the wall that they saw a few years back. As for the yoots (that's chilrens, Peggy Joseph) of America, stand up and take notice. In about 12 years, you will get the opportunity to vote. Remember the teachers who skipped out of school in Wisconsin than forced you to make up their hookie days? They want you to vote for Democrats. And how about you kids in Atlanta who don't know your grades because your teachers cheated on your test? They were Democrats too. And who is applauding the company that just kicked the happy right out of your meal? That's right, Michelle Obama, another Democrat. Now I am not trying to tell you who to vote for, I'm just saying that when it comes time to pull that lever, you should remember who it is that added to the pain and suffering of your already tough childhood.


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